Introduction

Loving the right thing in the right way may well be the key to a beautiful life—and to enriching the lives of those around us. But when is the right moment for such love to take part in our life? Is it before or after marriage?

These are the questions which we are supposed to find answers in this article. We hope that this post will increase your knowledge and guidance.

Definition of Love

Love, is an emotion characterized by strong feelings of affection and deep personal attachment towards anything which comes under this category.

Interpersonal love refers to love between human beings. It has basically three components: intimacy, commitment, and passion. The first thing a human normally develops is passion and then commitment towards what he or she loves, and finally intimacy. Other than non-attractive forms of love, what we see normally is that two persons develop an understanding or affection towards each other, get into a commitment, and then finally form an intimate relationship. But to be frank, nothing in this is necessarily permanent.

So the question you are supposed to ask is: why do we need this interpersonal love?

Allah S.W.T says in the Qur'an: "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, that are signs for people who give thought." (Qur'an 30:21)

So the ultimate aim of you and your life partner is to find peace with each other.

And their duty towards each other is also described by Him: "Your spouses are a garment (comfort, chastity, and protection) for you as you are for them." (Qur'an 2:187)

But unfortunately, as seen, none of this is fully fulfilled by partners towards each other before marriage. If I have started to like someone, it does not prevent me from developing affection with another person. Since there is no legal commitment in love before marriage, statistics show that 70% of relationships before marriage break up (at least in the US).

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

“If love develops for a reason that is not haram, a person cannot be blamed for that, such as one who loves his wife or his slave woman, then he leaves her but that love remains and does not leave him. He is not to be blamed for that. The same applies if he glances accidentally then looks away, but love may settle in his heart without him wanting it to. But he has to ward it off and look away.” (Rawdat al-Muhibbin, p. 147)

So, you getting into love is not an issue, but your approach—chatting, meeting, and keeping up the desire—is what Islam discourages.

Love in Islam

Other than Love towards Allah and His Prophets, a believer is obligated to love Allah's creation. Allah is Al-Wadud (الْوَدُودُ), which translates to The Most Loving, towards all His creations.

Allah S.W.T says, "Why would Allah punish you if you are grateful and believe? And ever is Allah Appreciative and Knowing." (Qur'an 4:147)

The Messenger ﷺ said, "I swear by the One in Whose Hand is my soul, one of you does not believe until they love good for their brother as they love it for themselves." (Bukhari (13), Muslim (45))

Iman moves us to love others and want the best for them. The absence of this love is a sign of weak Iman and a soul obsessed with the world. If you have a spouse, child, or parent that you love dearly, you will be drawn to the things they love, simply because they love it. You may not be personally interested in your child’s favorite toy or your spouse’s favorite food, but if you see what they like after some time, it will bring a big smile to your face.

Loving for others what we love for ourselves is an obligation. Its absence is a sin.

Allah cares for the world and its inhabitants: He feeds, protects, and guides all to what benefits them. And anyone who loves Allah should care for it too. Something that Allah made and is taking care of should be precious to us. So, how can we go against our Beloved and destroy what He loves?

Similarly, those who love Allah hate the actions of sinners and still feel care for them. In the sense that, this care is within the limits which Allah has defined. When the Prophet used to agonize over people refusing Islam, Allah had to remind him in the Qur'an not to be disturbed by their rejection. Their rejection has lowered their love in Allah—until a point where we just hope for their guidance and wellbeing, but do not make them as Awliya and Soulmates.

Hence, the Messenger ﷺ said, "If one would love to find the taste of Iman, let them love someone only for the sake of Allah, Glory be to Him." (Ahmad, 7967)

If you love someone only for Allah S.W.T, you would care about their chastity and Iman and would either act on what you feel in your heart or leave the matter to Allah—if they are meant to be in your future, Allah will bring them back to you.

A beautiful thing Imam Ahmad says about your taqdeer: "If man was allowed to choose his taqdeer (destiny), he would not have chosen other than what was already destined for him."

And Allah says, "Perhaps you hate something and Allah puts much good in it." (Qur'an 4:19)

You may hate to part ways from this relationship (even temporarily), but that itself contains some goodness. It preserves Iman and Haya for both of you.

If someone is unable to move away from such a relationship, Allah has given an example for them to follow:

Allah (S.W.T) says about Yusuf (A.S): "And indeed she (wife of Aziz) desired him (Yusuf), and he would have inclined to her desire if he had not seen the evidence of his Lord. Thus, it was that We might turn away from him evil and illegal sexual intercourse. Surely, he was one of Our chosen, guided slaves." (Qur'an 12:24)

Here, Allah describes that a believer should not only avoid physical contact (Zina), but even approaching love or feeling it can turn one away from Allah. Zina is a worse sin, but it is temporary. Passionate love for someone is a continuous process that can prevent a connection with Allah. Allah removes bad thoughts and crude behaviors from His sincere followers, and Yusuf (A.S) was one of them — he was saved.

Allah (S.W.T) further states, "His (Shaitan) power is only over those who obey and follow him (Shaitan), and those who join partners with Him (Allah)." (Qur'an 16:100)

People of ‘Ishq’ (Ashiq) take Shaitan as an ally, as Allah states, "Have you seen him who has taken his god his own desire? Would you then be a disposer of his affairs?" (Qur'an 25:43)

We need to understand that keeping our desires above the laws of Islam is akin to making those desires a new lord. These desires include haram love, as you all know.

Falling for Love

I want to clarify one thing before we discuss this topic: a person cannot be blamed for love that they do not cause. For example, if they see a girl by accident and their heart is filled with love for her, but they do not do anything haram (impermissible) such as repeatedly looking, shaking hands, being alone with her, or exchanging emotional words, then they are not sinning. The love that arises from accidental sight is not sinful.

However, love that stems from repeated looking, haram mixing, or correspondence, and the person actively engages in such actions, is sinning because they are indulging in haram behaviors associated with love. So, falling for someone is not inherently a sin, but following, trying to get close, and maintaining inappropriate contact is forbidden, as it leads to fitnah (trial).

The woman is forbidden to speak softly to those who are not permissible for her, as Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“…be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner.” (Qur'an 33:32)

This does not mean to speak rudely; rather, it means to speak in a formal and respectful manner. Allah S.W.T is instructing humanity to minimize fitnah as much as possible.

But even after your sincere efforts, if you find yourself falling for someone, you should take two steps:

1. Judge your feelings: Are they just desire, or are they genuine?
2. If they are not genuine, kill those desires. If you are serious, approach his/her guardians and speak to them about your intention for marriage.

InshaAllah, this approach will prevent fitnah. This is the same method used by the wife of Musa (A.S). She was inspired by Musa (A.S), and how did she propose to her father? She said to her father, “Hire him,” which is a code for her asking her father to marry her to him. She was too shy to say it directly, but this was a respectful way to express her desire.

She then made a strong case by saying, “No doubt, the best person you could hire is THE strong, THE honest (person—Musa).” This was her beautiful way of proposing marriage to her father. MashaAllah.

Therefore, our advice is to stop corresponding with the young man or woman you have fallen for, and tell them that they should propose through your wali (guardian) if they truly wish to marry you.

Emotional Impact of Love

The life of a Muslim is full of trials—some known to us, and others that we may not realize are trials. The latter type of fitnah (trials) are often more dangerous for Iman. Sometimes, a Muslim may slip up—perhaps due to ignorance or for other reasons—deciding to disobey Allah. Even addictions like alcohol or other sins do not emotionally harm someone as much as falling into a haram relationship, because its effects linger long after leaving it.

In our society, many have adopted a "Muslimized" form of this relationship. They avoid physical contact, but how long can one remain protected from sin? As Jabir ibn Abdullah reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever has faith in Allah and the Last Day, let him not be secluded with an unrelated woman without her guardian, lest Satan be the third of them.” (Musnad Aḥmad 14651)

One reason these relationships attract people is because they believe their parents will only approve arranged marriage. So, they enter into forbidden relationships, thinking they only have a few years to experience "true love" before marriage they do not wish to accept.

On the other hand, those who think such relationships might be accepted by their parents face emotional turmoil if any parent opposes the marriage.

Shaytan always finds ways to tempt you into these relationships, offering excuses when questioned. Another danger is the mental and emotional toll: since the relationship is unofficial, seeing the other person pull away can shatter your heart.

Despite expressing love, the frustration grows because you can't do what married couples do, which often pushes one toward greater sin—Zina.

Furthermore, if you don't marry your love afterward, your feelings for your spouse might be tainted by past attachments, making genuine love difficult. You cannot love two people equally, and your heart cannot be controlled. Even parents tend to love some children more than others, but in matters of emotion, equality is impossible.

Allah S.W.T states about this imbalance: "Indeed, you will never manage (perfect) equality between the wives, however eager you might be. But do not turn completely away from one and leave her, as it were, suspended. If you set things right and observe self-restraint, then, surely, Allah is Ever-forgiving, Ever-kind." (Qur'an 4:129)

When one person moves on and the other cannot, the one left behind will constantly think about them. Any attempt at closeness can cause emotional and spiritual harm.

The Prophet ﷺ said, "I saw a young man and a young woman, and I did not trust the shaytan not to tempt them." (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 885, classified as hasan by al-Albani)

Thus, haram relationships often lead to depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, fear of being caught or cheated, and emotional or physical suffering. Such relationships also weaken loyalty and love for parents and siblings.

Prophet ﷺ said, "No man is alone with a woman but the Shaytan is the third one present." (Al-Tirmidhi, 1171)

Even if you are chaste, the presence of forbidden relationships brings fitnah—inevitably, sin may occur someday.

Finally, Allah says, "As for the one who is conscious of Allah, He prepares for him a way out and provides for him from sources he could never imagine." (Qur'an 65:2-3)

He has made the path clear; it's up to you to choose to walk it. Engaging in haram activities contradicts your true self-concept—your understanding of who you are. Participating in forbidden relationships causes inner conflict, guilt, and depression, as explained by psychologist Carl Rogers, who emphasized the importance of a healthy self-concept.

Consider a young Muslim caught in a haram relationship: the conflict between their faith and actions leads to internal turmoil. Such relationships lead to unhealthy dependence and attachment, which can negatively affect all aspects of life.

Effect of Western Culture and Social Media:

In the 21st century, we are always getting somehow influenced every single moment. The advancement of technology and the rise of social media have led to societal evolution. It has made youth more inclined toward worldly pleasures and desires.

Today, the criteria for choosing a life partner have largely shifted from Deen and character to materialistic traits such as wealth and appearance, and hence, modern marriages have almost zero involvement of Deen.

We have observed that almost all stories of movies and films have a similar concept of a useless, rude guy who gets a very innocent girl and their life blossoms. The actual intent in such stories is to make young males be like that useless guy, not focusing on their career but on a girl. To the female audience, such shows try to trap innocent, chaste girls, as those who are bad will anyway do pre-marriage affairs. But the main aim is to make everyone realize that true love always happens before marriage, especially to young, modest girls.

Other than that, marriage nowadays is typically rooted in romantic love and mutual commitment, with little connection to its spiritual significance.

The Prophet (S.A.W) said, “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty, and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari (5090), Muslim (1466))

Hence, marriage with a religious guy/girl is more likely to fulfill all your needs.

Allah states in the Quran:

“O Prophet! Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their chastity. That is purer for them. Surely Allah is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their chastity, and not to reveal their adornments except what normally appears….”

The concept of lowering the gaze extends to social media as well, where it involves refraining from looking at and admiring the opposite gender.

A healthy and successful marriage is rooted in choosing a partner who exemplifies piety, humility, and modesty—a true role model for future children in terms of faith.

Social media is also changing expectations from marriage for a girl or a boy; they want a perfectly understanding person. Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok have given people the ability to present an idealized version of their lives, including their romantic relationships. For such a person, a boy or girl tries to find everyone who suits them before marriage so they can fulfill the so-called couple goals in the future.

On such platforms, images and videos of idealized relationships are often shared with large audiences. People get influenced by these fake and curated feeds. This curated perfection can be influential across the world, and we may begin to feel that the reality of marriage must meet these unrealistic standards.

There is also a gap between Islamic teachings and these neo-cultures. In Islam, marriage is regarded as a sacred bond, one meant to foster mutual respect, love, and companionship. Unlike the extravagant portrayals on social media, which mainly focus on pre-marital Public Display of Affection (PDA).

The Role of Muslim Marriage Apps and Websites

To bridge the cultural gaps between Islamic principles and this new social media landscape, businessmen started creating apps and websites—promising to make meetings before marriage as halal as possible. Some stay true to their commitments, where only essential information about each other is shared, and further steps are not taken. Muslim matrimonial platforms or international connections offer a more meaningful way to explore marriage than scrolling through curated Instagram feeds and then choosing some random person. But that also depends on Haya and Iman; we have to think not just of the better good but the best protection of Haya and Iman at our individual level.

As always, these platforms are not always true to their promises; hence, one should not be blind.

How To Move On From Such Relationships?

If you couldn't control your gaze and desire and then started chatting with each other, and later when you decide to move on from this relationship — it would feel hard. The world looks incomplete without them, and the thought of living your life without them gives you anxiety and depression. But such feelings are just temptations, and Allah (S.W.T) says, as we have already quoted — sometimes we feel something is good, but it is bad intrinsically, and sometimes we hate something, but it is not just good, but essential.

When you choose Allah and His commandments over this relationship, there is also an unidentifiable misery and emptiness deep within. But dear brothers and sisters, think this over very carefully. What if you die while in this state of being in a haram relationship? How will you answer to your Lord?

So, when you have decided to move away, think that your past never existed. In most cases, it is the fear of loneliness that prevents one from giving up a prohibited relationship. Do not let that hold you back! It’s better to be alone with Allah than in a relationship that is against His rules and may lead to tests and trials for you and your parents.

And if you repent, Allah (S.W.T) says, "Save him who repented, believed, and worked righteous deeds; then, Allah will change their evil (deeds) into good (ones); for Allah is ever Forgiving, ever Merciful." (Qur'an 25:70)

This means Allah (S.W.T) will change his state from a sinner to a high-ranking believer. And make his repentance a way for good deeds.

Then Allah (S.W.T) describes who will be able to repent: "And those who witness not falsehood; and (who), when they pass by the futile, pass by with dignity." (Qur'an 25:72)

That is, He is saying that repentance is only true for someone who, thereafter, has the option to go back to sin but chooses Allah and avoids such futile things. The word used here is Al-laghw, which refers to every word or deed that is of no profit to anyone. If believers encounter such, they steer themselves away from it.

And when they have repented, they ask Allah (S.W.T) to replace the haram relationships with a Halal blessing. They ask Allah: "And those who say, ‘Our Lord! Grant us of our wives and offspring (such) as are a comfort to the eyes and make us a model to the God-conscious." (Qur'an 25:74)

There is no way to get away from this relationship except through sincere effort to cut it off. So, when you are dedicated to moving towards goodness, Allah (S.W.T) will help you, InshaAllah. However hard it may be, know that if he/she was in taqdeer (destiny), Allah will make them return to you. And if not, then there is something better waiting for you.

It's also not just about you — it’s about their chastity and reputation in society.

May Allah help those who are in haram relationships to move away from them. Ameen.

Allah-Hafiz!