Guidelines for Managing Our Feelings and Behavior: An Islamic Perspective
Throughout the Quran, we are reminded: "...Surely in that there are signs for people who reflect" (ar-Ra’d 13:3). Reflection is a powerful tool, and the best sources for it are the Quran and the Sunnah. Beyond these, we can also turn to other resources to deepen our understanding and improve our emotional management:
Exegesis Literature: This helps us better understand the Quran and guides us in changing our behavior through reflection on its teachings.
Biography Literature: By studying the lives of the Prophet (SAW) and his Companions, we learn how they navigated difficult emotions and situations, and the advice they were given.
Once we have this knowledge, what do we do with it?
When we choose to remain silent, avoid reacting negatively, or even smile in the face of hardship—all with the intention of pleasing Allah—it’s not a small act in His eyes. There is great reward in such actions. As Abu Dharr (R.A) narrated, the Prophet (SAW) said: "Do not consider any act of kindness insignificant, even meeting your brother with a cheerful face" (Muslim).
Generosity in behavior is equally important. Abu Moosa (R.A) narrated that the Prophet (SAW) was asked, "Whose Islam is the best?" He replied: "One who avoids harming Muslims with his tongue and hands" (Bukhari).
These Islamic principles help us pause and think before reacting. This moment of reflection is crucial because negative emotions often arise automatically. Once we label something as negative, it can feel too painful to address, so we cling to it. Resistance to change often comes from asking biased questions that justify our negativity rather than neutral ones that challenge it. To counter this, we can:
Regular Salah (Prayer): Scholars emphasize that if our prayers are not in order, our daily lives will likely be chaotic. The Quran reminds us: "Seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, it is hard, except for the humble" (al-Baqarah 2:45).
Reciting the Quran: It’s best to read with understanding, as Allah says: "This is a Book that has been sent down to you [O Muhammad], so do not let your heart be troubled by it; [it has been sent down] so that you may warn thereby and remind the believers" (al-A’raf 7:2).
Dhikr (Remembrance of Allah): This can easily be incorporated into daily life. Setting aside time for dhikr, such as after salah, helps us focus on Allah. He says: "...for verily in the remembrance of Allah, hearts find comfort" (ar-Ra’d 13:28). Dhikr brings us closer to our Creator.
Supplication (Dua): Allah says: "Call upon Me; I will answer your prayer" (Ghafir 40:60). Imam Bukhari highlights that supplication is one of the greatest forms of dhikr.
It’s also important to think positively of Allah and His wisdom. This doesn’t mean we laugh during hardship, but we avoid reacting with complaints like, "Why did You do this to me?" The Prophet (SAW) said: "Allah says: I am as My servant thinks I am" (Bukhari). Reflecting on our experiences helps us adopt a constructive mindset.
Additional Psychological Strategies: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
One of the most popular forms of therapy today is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Its core tool is identifying "thinking errors" or "unhelpful thoughts." We all have rules and assumptions that guide how we handle situations. These can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on the thoughts behind them. In Islam, this concept aligns with waswas (whispers from Shaytan), which include suspicion, delusion, and misgivings. In therapy, these are called "negative automatic thoughts" (NATs), and the goal is to replace them with positive, realistic ones.
Interestingly, Islamic scholars like al-Ghazali discussed "fleeting thoughts" centuries ago, showing that this approach isn’t new to Islam.
Common Thinking Errors:
All-or-Nothing Thinking: Seeing things as black and white.
Example: "I didn’t get the job because they didn’t like me."
Reality Check: They liked you but needed someone with more experience.
Overgeneralization: Judging future experiences based on one past event.
Example: "I had a car accident on this road, so it’s dangerous."
Reality Check: You’ve driven there many times without issues.
Minimizing and Maximizing: Focusing on mistakes and ignoring achievements.
Example: "I made one mistake in my presentation, so I’ll fail."
Reality Check: You provided valuable information and have a history of success.
Fortune-Telling: Predicting negative outcomes.
Example: "My friend didn’t call, so she’s mad at me."
Reality Check: She might have just forgotten.
Emotional Reasoning: Believing feelings reflect reality.
Example: "I spilled my tea, so everyone thinks I’m foolish."
Reality Check: No one noticed, and you wouldn’t judge others for the same.
‘Shoulds’ and ‘Oughts’: Focusing on others’ expectations.
Example: "I’m sick, but I must go to work because they expect it."
Reality Check: You’d advise a friend to rest.
Working Toward Change
No one is perfect, but we must keep striving. Allah promises reward for our efforts: "No soul knows what is kept hidden in store for them of delight as a reward for what they used to do" (as-Sajdah 32:17).
Basic Emotional Experiences
Emotions influence our perception, behavior, and memory. While they can distort reality, they also help us navigate life. When facing hardship, it’s tempting to ignore emotions, but the first step is honesty about what we’re feeling.
Managing Anger:
Anger is perhaps the most commonly experienced and, at the same time, most misunderstood emotion - and arguably the hardest one to manage. Prophet Muhammad (SAW) is known for never having shown anger on account of any personal reason or benefit; he became angry only in cases where the truth was not implemented.
Holding on to anger in order to control what goes on in our lives is always exhausting, draining, and unproductive. For one thing, if we know that we can often frighten others into obedience, this reduces our ability to find alternative ways of thinking and communicating. We may use anger as a tool to suppress others in order to prevent them from questioning our judgement or position. As a basis for any relationship, this is most likely to increase fragmentation.
In the Sunnah, the practical advice for managing anger is clear; the Prophet (SAW) advises us to articulate that we seek Allah’s protection against Satan and/or to make ritual ablution. (Bukhari).
Managing Fear:
We most often tend to associate fear with a sense of physical pain. Yet emotionally, we avoid many relationships and situations precisely because we are afraid that we cannot manage the consequences.
Fear can paralyze us psychologically into inaction. It makes us mistrustful and suspicious, and it prevents us from developing our relationships further. This leads us into a vicious cycle. Fear tends to grow; it is not abated with avoidance. We become afraid of a situation and thus avoid it, to the extent that this situation becomes associated exclusively with fear.
Of course, fear can also protect us from harm and help us avoid difficulty. For example, we may benefit from fear when we are in physical danger. It may cause us to remove ourselves from harm's way.
In the Sunnah, the context of fear is related mainly to fearing Allah.
So fearing Allah by living according to His advice is the only way to success. Fearing people, on the other hand, may lead us to behave in ways that conflict with the religion and with what is right. Often, when we are afraid, we mask that emotion with aggression so as to imply that we are not actually afraid but are avoiding situations by choice. Consequently, we are forced to be stuck’ and to continue to avoid, rather than resolve, difficulties.
Managing Joy:
Lyhe positive aspects of joy, in and of itself, are self-explanatory. The Sunnah reminds us to be balanced in all of our emotions, though, so it is important to consider the context. Specifically, if we feel joy because of another’s sadness and misfortune, then this expression of joy cannot be considered healthy.
The Sunnah presents us with a clear definition of arrogance in the following hadith, in which the Prophet (SAW) said:... Arrogance means ridiculing and rejecting the truth and despising people.(Muslim)
Furthermore, by constantly referring to Allah, we are reminded of (and must accept) the limitations of our own capacity. When we acknowledge that it is Allah (and not ourselves) Who has created us and our abilities, and that the outcome is in His Hands alone, then we are less likely to be proud when we succeed, or envious when others do.
Managing Love:
In its positive aspects, love (like joy) is self-explanatory. However, as with joy, it is the balance of forms and degrees of love and the rest of one's life that is important.We know of the personal rewards of love. Yet when this love erases all other aspects of the relationship or life, and it begins to have debilitating effects on our lives and the lives of others, then we can see the dangers and unhealthy aspects of obsessive love and the controlling and suffocating effects it has on the loved one. Love is well-documented in the Sunnah, which not only relates the love of Prophet Muhammad for his wives. In Sunnah, the highest and most intense forms of love are reserved for Allah and for the Messenger (SAW). This is the love recommended in the Qur’an and Hadith and is the love that overrules all other forms of love.
Managing Sadness:
Sadness is perhaps the most complex of all emotions, since it has so many facets and consequences. Recovery from sad experiences can therefore be difficult. We often live with the ‘ghost of sadness’, which resurfaces at the slightest reminder of the initiating experience. It seems that we learn to live with it rather than trying to overcome it.
The Sunnah gives a manageable framework for sadness. Allah reminds us in the Qur'an that as humans, we are weak: Allah wants to lighten your burdens, for man was created weak.b (an-Nisa'4: 28)
In light of this description, we are quick to fall into sadness in all its forms when things do not go as we wish. When we feel lonely or suffer a loss, or when we give up because we lack the resources to keep going. We may hide behind the vulnerability it grants us, we may express it to maintain our victim status and remind others of our feelings, or we may express it to punish others by inducing guilt for their past misdemeanours.
What Happens Next?
Quran Sunnah and Personal Changes through them, they are the clearest measures we can use to evaluate our own behaviour against a fixed standard of ‘that which is best {of Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W)}' when we are not able to cope well with difficult situations and feelings given by our religion itself, so we do not have far to look.
The result of this reflection will, Insha’ Allah, lead us to take Islamic teachings, rather than our cultures, as our measure of socially-acceptable reactions to situations, since cultural norms are going to change according to the atmosphere of the time.
We must fill our hearts with the words and actions most pleasing to Allah. We must not merely know about them; we must act on them and make them come to life, to the best of our abilities.
We must recognise and protect our most prized possessions , OUR EMOTIONS.
Stay Safe, Stay Curious. Allah-hafiz.
Source of Article: the Book of Feryad A. Hussain.